I've been thinking about how important is the issue of control to me. I'm talking about this ideal state where I get to call the shots and decide how and what happens to me. I'm not talking so much about control over others (though I admit it's one area I've had to work at in especially in my last job working with students). In this case, I'm talking about control over my own life.
I realize I hate it when I feel helpless. This could be in the case where say, I fall sick. Like right now when I'm working through my kidney stone problems (yep, got a couple of them swimming around my plumbing system rite now), I feel frustrated because this is something that I can't control. I mean, I can't get rid of them, I can't stop them from giving me other related problems like infections. I just have to sit and wait until the doctor blasts them out of my system, one way or another.
Another example is when people force me to do what I don't want to do. I don't know if I sound pompous, but I kinda feel that I've reached an age/point in my life/career where I shouldn't need to do what I really don't want to do. Haha, I can think of so many examples with respect to this. In fact, this contributed partially to why I left teaching last year. I was feeling hopelessly powerless with what I was doing in my job. When I was younger, I'd think about patience, tolerance, etc. But somehow, for me, personal fulfillment/satisfaction seems much more important than just doing something for the sake of doing it.
Right now, I'm still struggling with this issue of control.
It's a frustrating life when I'm controlled by a clock and a card.
It's a frustrating life when I'm controlled by what others want me to do.
It's a frustrating life when I don't find myself doing stuff I find meaning in doing.
I guess that's partially why I'm irritated by those little government things like the longevity insurance, etc, etc. Our governments gives me the idea that we are powerless in making decisions for our lives. Only the government knows best. MPs can say all they want in the 'debates'. You can make all the noise you want at 'feedback sessions'. But in the end, government knows best. The decision was already made anyway. It's just nice to let you rant a little, to let it out of your system.
How? Like that can go crazy rite?
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